After
submitting my deposit and the rest of the paperwork to live in the dorms at
UMBC, my mother and I were looking forward to returning home. I still can't
believe what I saw that day. I have lived in the same house for as long as I
can remember. As a kid, I would play on the field and now I am just standing there with my brother. Seeing my house on fire and seeing the damage
that was done inside was hard to bear. Living in a hotel for 7 months, my
family often fought over bills, the insurance company, and many small things. Some
of us gave into the dark moments for a while.
Thankfully, over the summer I found out who were the people that I should trust. My senior class raised some money for my family and I. Cousins that I haven't seen in a while offered to take us places so that we wouldn't be stuck in a hotel. I didn't go to school that first week and my closest friend got upset with me. The last time I saw her was on graduation and she never replied back. She got upset that I couldn't help out on the final project and she refused to talk to me throughout that whole summer. I couldn’t believe that someone I trusted with my pain and secrets would just leave without any explanation. I was so confused. That fire may have broken down my family for a while, but we overcame it. I'm thankful for that fire because now I know all the people who truly care for me.
updated word count: 272
Point: There is always a silver lining.
I like how in your story you talk about the positive that came out of terrible situation. You are fairly detailed about your emotions in the first half of your paper, but it falls off as it goes on. Try to stay consistent and bring the second half to par with the first. Overall good job.
ReplyDeleteI think your story is fine and complete, just make sure you extend it to meet the number of words required and maybe change the first sentence a little to get readers into reading the story.
ReplyDeleteYour story was entertaining and emotional. I like the drastic change in mood when you introduce the effects of the fire. My only suggestion would be to make the story longer so that it satisfies the word count requirement. To do this, you could elaborate more on losing your high school friend.
ReplyDeleteYou're missing a t in standing. Say in the same sentence that you missed the last week of school because of the fire and having to move around and stuff. Good story.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see that you have gained some positive from this tragedy. I hope you and your family are in better standings now. I think your story is a little jumbled, as in it jumps from place to place. Consider working on the fluidity of the story.
ReplyDelete